Ten Thoughts Every Girl Has When She Gets a UTI
1. I have to go to the bathroom so badly.
Like, worse than I’ve ever had to go to the bathroom ever before; everyone is lucky I don’t drop trou in the middle of the highway—Hello, fellow commuters! Great weather we’re having!—because momma has got to go.
2. Oh, that’s weird; I’m trying to pee but nothing is coming out.
Swiftly followed by: OUCH OUCH OUCH OMG THE BURN OUCH SOMEONE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY WHHHHYYYYY. (That’s a mild reaction.)
3. I forgot to pee after sex last night and this is all my own fault.
And THIS is what I get for being the laziest person on Earth. Just your daily reminder that being a lady is hard sometimes. Do we just get to roll over and pass out after sex like dudes? Nooooo, we have to spend five minutes in the bathroom after intercourse just to function normally the next day. Thanks, Universe! (JK, I am not thanking you for anything right now, Universe.)
4. This is all my boyfriend’s fault.
*Shakes fist at all men forever.*
5. I know that one in every five women gets a UTI in her lifetime but I feel like I get them like once a week?
OK, that’s an exaggeration but I feel like I get them more than the national average. I take pretty decent care of myself, so what gives? *Makes note to self to contact own National study and get to the bottom of this.*
6. How fast can I get some cranberry gummies?
How else am I gonna get the urinary tract benefits of one glass of cranberry juice without having to drink a whole glass of cranberry juice? I know you know what I’m talking about. Unsweetened cranberry juice is about as pleasant to gulp as battery acid and AZO Cranberry® Gummies are fast, effective, and easy to get down. Plus they even come in a mixed berry flavor. Yes, please!*
7. Oooh… can I not go to work today?
“Sorry, can’t come in; I have to sit in a corner and cry for the next 24 hours. See you tomorrow! Maybe!” Now, where did I put that Pinot Noir from last week’s dinner party?
8. Wait a minute. No booze?
But how else will I cope with the pain!? *Cries forever.* *Pops another AZO cranberry gummy.*
9. I have to text all my girlfriends to commiserate immediately.
It’s time to reach out to all the ladies who keep it really real in my life. Me: “Ugh UTI city over here.” Sheila: “I’m headed over with some Thai; let’s watch Netflix and paint our nails and sob about how the universe is unfair.” Me: “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything.” Sheila: “I know, bb. See you in an hour!” And that, my friends, is how ladies get things done.
10. I am only wearing granny panties from now on.
Breathable cotton underwear that are so big the entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy (all seasons) in them are the name of the game from here on out. *Burns thongs and waits for Sheila to save me.*
*Biological activity of 10 ounces of cranberry juice cocktail.
