ST. GEORGE, Utah, May 27, 2016 (Gephardt Daily) — For many high school seniors and their families, spring is a celebratory time that includes prom, graduation, and a keen anticipation of what is to come.
Macin Darrin Smith, 18, was supposed to graduate next Tuesday from Desert Hills High School in St. George. He was supposed to go to prom, and he was supposed to be planning his future.
Instead, next Wednesday marks the day the teen has been missing for nine months. For Macin’s parents, Tracey Bratt-Smith and Darrin Smith, it’s milestones like this that are the toughest. These are the days they should be commemorating, but instead, they are faced with a sort of grieving process.
During these times, Bratt-Smith says, they are forced to examine the possibility that Macin may be permanently gone.
“In a sense it’s gotten harder because the hope seems to diminish and I’m typically an optimistic person,” Bratt-Smith told Gephardt Daily.
“It’s so difficult to not have anything to go on. He was supposed to graduate Tuesday and it’s brought to surface the potential permanence of our situation. Life goes on whether we are present in it or not.”
Macin walked away from his home on Sept. 1 when his parents thought he was on his way to school. He left behind his cell phone, wallet and laptop.
He did leave a note, which his parents discovered a week later, folded in his wallet. They have not released the contents, preferring to say the note contained an “intent,” which led them to believe he may have planned to harm himself.
Possible sightings of Macin, including early indications that he might have headed to Las Vegas, have not proved credible.
His family has worked with professional search organization Red Rock Search and Rescue and police to bring Macin home. For four months, there has been a $10,000 reward in place offered for information leading to his safe return.
But as time goes on, the “safe return” option is becoming a more distant possibility, says Bratt-Smith.
She and other family members have posted Facebook updates in tribute to Macin almost every day to the 15,565 members of the Help Find Macin Smith page on Facebook.
In one of her latest posts, Bratt-Smith wrote candidly about how these “celebration” benchmarks only compound the pain her family is feeling, and her brave choice to look to the future even while her instincts are telling her to remain in limbo.
Earlier this week, Bratt-Smith wrote, in part:
Dear Macin’s Army:
Last week was a new low and I felt depleted of all hope. I felt as if all the prayers on Macin’s behalf were somehow blocked and not getting through. I was discouraged. I was frustrated. I was in constant pain. I typically recoil and go inside myself but I knew that would just lead to an even worse place, so I gave myself the same advice I give my clients “Do the opposite of what you feel like doing.”
So I reached out. I reached out to my spouse. I reached out to my therapist. I reached out to my girlfriend. I reached out to my mom. I reached out to my kids. I reached out to my brother. I kept reaching out until my shoulders felt just a little bit lighter. And ultimately, I think that’s all one needs to continue to fight for another day at times.
As I reflect back on the last week and the crushing pressure of despair that was accumulating, I think it all originated from Macin’s 18th birthday and then the prom pictures, grad pictures and everyone celebrating the year’s accomplishments seemed to compound the pain. I started to feel resentful for all those who have the opportunity to celebrate their seniors.
Macin was supposed to be experiencing all those same events this year. Yet I have the awkwardness of canceling cap and gown orders, discontinuing his phone service, and deciding whether or not to keep his clothes unwashed or remove them from his closet or what the heck I’m supposed to do with any of his belongings.
So needless to say when a package came in the mail from Desert Hills High School with Macin’s English folder contained inside, I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed like I haven’t done in months. Don’t get me wrong. I am so grateful that Rusty sent it to us and I treasure it. It seemed to be that final reminder that Macin’s senior year had come and gone. Finished. Done.
But can I just tell you something? Although I have received zero answers to the whereabouts of my sweet boy. This is what we have received. Family unity. Increased compassion, patience and support for one another. Service. Love. Inspired angels that continue to minister no matter how ugly the circumstances. Increased commitment to continue through the pain. Affirmations of a Father in Heaven who is aware of our suffering.
I want Macin to be alive more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. It seems like the more time that passes, the less likely this will be so. I’m not saying I am giving up. I’m just letting you know that sometimes I get discouraged and need to step back, work on getting myself mentally and physically healthy again so I can keep up the fight. With my wonderful family, friends and army of support, Macin is definitely not alone and hopefully some day soon will realize this exponentially.
Love,
The Momma
Bratt-Smith will be headed to the California coast June 11 to try and gain exposure in that area.
Macin was the last of six children, three boys and three girls, still living at home when the family moved to Utah from Canada just over a year ago.
He is 6-feet-4-inches and 200 pounds. He has light blue eyes, and he had short blond hair when he went missing.
Anyone with information on Macin is asked to contact the St. George Police Department at 435-627-4300, or David Cummings at RRSAR on 702-787-4068.
Click below to watch Bill Gephardt’s exclusive interview with Bratt-Smith, recorded in February.
I’m so sorry for your pain, and your whole families pain. As a mother of two young men myself, I known I would be so broken if something like this happened to either of them. I pray that you guys will find the answers as to what has happened to Macin, or where he is, so that you might find some comfort and peace. My heart breaks for your family. I will continue to keep all of you in my prayers.
I don’t want to give anyone false hope, especially Macin’s family, but today I called the St. George’s police department after watching a t.v. show about Macin’s disappearance. I reported that I had been in the San Francisco area visiting my own son and my husband and I decided to walk in an area near the bridge. We had walked near some boats and continued walking toward the Golden Gate bridge which was about 5 miles ahead. I could see the bridge extending ahead of me and to the right across the water. It looked massive. We stopped to look at the water and I noticed that people were bringing their small dogs to run around freely. I passed a young man sitting on a rock who was just peering out onto the water in a pensive sort of way. I noticed that he was tall even though he was sitting down. I can’t say how tall. My first impression of him was that he was so out of place, clean cut, very light skinned, neatly dressed in basketball shorts and.., sandals. His blue eyes were especially beautiful. His hair was combed upward and it was whitish and blondish. He looked like a very decent young man, no visible tatooes. I noticed that he had painted nails in a sort of royal blue – sea glass polish with a white design in the center that looked muted. Because he looked a little empty/sad, I decided to make a comment to him and said “Hey, look at those!” His comment back was “Something different.” Then I said “I like um.” I wondered why this young man was on the beach alone, at around the time when people go to work and here he was casually dressed and peering at the sea. His comment “Something different” said a lot to me as if he was a little ashamed to be wearing the nail polish, didn’t want to fully admit he might have been gay or… This young man, who looked to be about 20 -25 or so, left an impression on me. He was very handsome and looked like he was keeping himself in shape. I would not describe him as thin or small. He looked rather German/Austrian and had developed muscles on his arms and legs. As I said, I do not want to bring Macin’s family any false hope, but perhaps this one sighting and short comment to a young man sitting on a rock and peering at the sea might just be some help. I wish the family well and hope that they are reunited very soon. God bless Macin and his family. 7/27/17 Rosa Lina Q-Fogarty